Humor Eng

Humor

Tower: «Delta 123, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!»
Delta 123: «Give us another hint! We have a digital watch!»

Диалог в австралийском аэропорту.
Таможенник (проверяя документы):
— Have you ever been in prison?
Гражданин Великобритании:
— Is it still necessary?

The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase in plan that would be known as «EuroEnglish».

In the first year, «s» will replace the soft «c». Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump for joy.

The hard «c» will be dropped in favour of the «k». This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome «ph» will be replaced with the «f». This will make words like «fotograf» 20% shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent «e»s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the 4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing «th» with «z» and «w» with «v».

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary «o» kan be dropd from vords kontaining «ou» and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a realy sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand each ozer.

ZE DREAM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!

PHILOSOPHIC APPROACH

Jones had for years refused to take planes, and all arguments urging him to do so were made in vain. Finally, one friend said in exasperation, «Listen, why don’t you take a philosophic approach? Tell yourself that if your number isn’t up, then it isn’t up, and take the plane.»

«Ah,» said Jones, «and what difference would it make if my number wasn’t up, if the pilot’s number is up?»

While working as a television news cameraman, I arrived at an accident scene, and a cameraman from another station pulled up behind me. As I parked the news cruiser, I heard a policeman on the scanner using the radio phonetic alphabet to alert other officers. «Be aware that the Mike Echo Delta India Alpha has arrived,» he said.
I approached the officer, looked him in the eyes and said, «You might be surprised to know that some of us in the Mike Echo Delta India Alpha can Sierra Papa Echo Lima Lima.»

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.

You know your children have grown up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they are going.

«Waiter!» — «Yes, sir.» — «What’s this?» — «It’s bean soup, sir.» — «No matter what it’s been. What is it now?»

ENGLISH WORDS

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says, «Sorry, you know the law, you’ve got to go back across the border right now.» The Mexican man pleads with them, «No, nooo, Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!» The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself — I’m going to make it hard for him — and says, «Ok, I’ll let you stay if you can use three English words in a sentence.»The Mexican man of course agrees.The Border Patrol Agent tells him, «The three words are: green, pink and yellow. Now use them in one sentence. «The Mexican man thinks really hard for about two minutes, then says, «Hmmm, okay. The phone, it went green, green, green — I pink it up, and it sez, ‘Yellow?'»

A student pilot was on a cross country solo flight to Santa Barbara. Eager to fly «heavy metal» he contacts approach at 5,500 feet for flight following…
N12345: …approach, Cessna 12345 checking in at flight level 550.
Approach (after a long pause): Roger, Cessna 12345 … you can contact NASA at 368.2 for further advisories!   ……………………

Local Traffic Watch (LTW): Approach, N1234, we can turn northbound anytime.
Approach: Roger, N1234. How about Tuesday afternoon? (pause)
LTW: Standby while we check our fuel, N1234.

…………………..
Pilot: Price County traffic, Experimental #### will be going down in the lake off the end of 01.
Unicom: Will notify Sheriff’s department immediately. Hang on!
Pilot: ………..Uh, negative………we’re an Amphibian

……………………
I was eagerly awaiting take-off clearance while holding short of the runway. There were several aircraft on approach, including a Shorts 360. After several requests for take-off, I intervened one more time. The response was a bit of a surprise…
Tower: Sir, just give me a moment while I get my Shorts down.

……………………
Tower: (To aircraft doing touch and goes alone in the pattern) …You watching the fireworks just north of here?
Piper1234: Yup … what’s the holiday on August 18th that includes fireworks?
Tower: No clue.
Unidentified: Well, I know what it is. Ten year aniversary of my diviorce.
(pause) …And now I know where the money has gone.

……………………
A long time ago, bopping along in my 180 Arrow at 10,000 feet, IFR in VFR conditions, from Boston to Kalamazoo. It had taken me 20 minutes to get that high — 10 of that for the last 2,000 feet. Then, Cleveland Center asked me to climb to 11,000 feet for traffic…
Me: You mean it?
ARTCC: Sure do.
Me: Do I hafta?
ARTCC: Yep.
Me: Okay … but it’s gonna take me ten minutes or better.
ARTCC: Okay, then if I ask you to descend to 9,000 for ten minutes, how long will it take you to get back to 10?
Me: Oh, ’bout the same, 1MV.
ARTCC: Okay, I guess I’ll have to go to plan B…. 1MV, maintain one-zero thousand. United 123, turn right 20 degrees for traffic; American 456, maintain niner thousand for opposite direction traffic, 12 o’clock 10 miles at 10 thou; Trans World 789, cancel direct, turn right 250-degrees, and stop the descent at one-two thousand …

……………………..
Fedex ###: Fedex ### with you at FL230.
Kansas City Area Control: Fedex ###, roger. How long to climb to FL310?
Fedex ###: Roger, just a minute…
(brief silence)
Unknown 1: I gotta get me one o’ whatever he’s flyin’.
Unknown 2: …must be outta Cape Kennedy.

……………………….
Super Cruiser: Caldwell tower, Super Cruiser N### has just departed Morristown, I would like to transition your airspace to the north.
CDW: Super Cruiser transition approved at or above 1700 ft.
(About 5 minutes later…)
CDW: Super Cruiser, say again aircraft type.
Super Cruiser: Caldwell Tower, I am a PA-12, 1946 Piper Cub Super Cruiser, just a bit old and slow.
CDW: Roger … not unlike some of us in the Tower.

……………………….
Tower: Landing traffic, be advised that there’s still a turkey on the runway.
Pilot (speaking immediately): Tower, Cessna ### clear of the active.
Tower: Thank you … (laughter) … but I meant the real turkey.

……………………….
Controller: Cessna ###, what is your purpose here on the field?
Pilot: I’m here for my check ride.
(pause)
Controller: Are you a bit nervous?
Pilot: A bit…
Controller: Because you landed on the taxiway instead of the assigned runway….

……………………….
Tower: Fokker 170, hold position.
Fokker 170: I don’t know how to do that.
(pause)
Tower: Airliner 2, hold position.
Fokker 170, continue approach, cleared to land.

……………………….
ZKxxx: Request entry into the zone with Charlie 1021, currently 20 miles to the south west at 2500.
Wellington Tower: Cleared to enter the zone via the Sinclair Sector 1500 feet or below.
ZKxxx: Cleared to enter the zone via Sinclair at 1500 or below.
(A few minutes later…)
Tower: ZKxxx, suggest you descend to 1500 immediately to avoid a fast approaching pile of paperwork.

……………………….
Tower: Skyhawk XXXXX, be advised there are 10,000 seagulls near the approach of runway 15.
Skyhawk: Roger. Is that an official count?
Tower: Just a quick count.
(pause)
Tower: Skyhawk XXXXX, be advised there are 10,435 seagulls near the approach of runway 15 … and you’re cleared for the option.

…………………………
At a busy local airport one sunny Saturday flight instructors were hopping in and out of different aircraft all day long.
Unidentified pilot: Montgomery Ground, Cessna, er, Cessna … wait … who am I today?
[pause]
I’ll have to call you back.
Ground: Roger, call back when you know who you are.

………………………….
Cessna XXX: Philly approach, Cessna XXX with you at 4,500.
Philly Approach: Cessna XXX, Roger, Altimeter 30.69 and numerous targets in your vicinity.
Cessna XXX: Could you be more specific about the targets?
Philly Approach: OK, 12 o’clock, 1 o’clock, 2 o’clock, 3 o’clock, 4 o’clock, 5 o’clock — would you like me to continue?
Cessna XXX: Negative, we get the picture…

…………………………
Tower: Cessna XXX, you said you were at taxiway Alpha One? Alpha Two?
Cessna XXX: Uh… We’re holding at Alpha Three.
Tower: Right. One plus Two equals Three.

………………………..
United XXX: LA Center, say again the frequency for United XXX. No answer on 133.4.
Center: United XXX, 133.4 is correct. Try again. If there’s still no answer, come back up this frequency … and I’ll send somebody over there to smack the dirt out of their ears.

………………………..

A Center Controller has his personal aircraft hangared at the local airport. Facing his hangar is another that houses a Green Cessna 210. One day that Cessna came into his sector. The controller recognized the N number. The exchange follows…
Controller: N123, is that airplane painted green?
Pilot: Uh, yes. …Why?
Controller: Just checking our new color radar.

………………………..
F-100: Ground control, F-100 ready to taxi.
Ground: F-100 clear to taxi to Runway 5 left. Follow the 767 ahead of you.
F-100: Where is the ’67 going?
Ground: To Madrid … but you just follow him till before the runway!!!

………………………..
Back in the 70’s, BOAC (British Airways) flew into O’Hare Chicago and their call sign was «Speedbird»…
O’Hare: Speedbird xxx slow to 200 kts.
Speedbird xxx: Sorry, running late, need to keep the speed up.
O’Hare: Ok, turn right 90 degrees and keep your speed up.
Speedbird xxx: Errr, how long would we be on that heading?
O’Hare: ‘Till you slow to 200.
Speedbird xxx: Roger, slowing to 200.

…………………………
Control: Continental XXX give me a good rate please through FL100.
Continental XXX: Well sir, we are doing 2000fpm.
Controller: Could you make it 3000 fpm?
Continental XXX: No Sir.
Controller: Oh … do you not have speedbrakes?
Continental: Yes sir, I do, but that is for MY mistakes, not for YOURS!

………………………..
Tower: «Cessna Nxxxx., say your location.»
Cessna Nxxxx: «I’m over here!»

…………………………
United 1234: «Springs Approach, United 1234. We can’t read the localizer. Is there a problem?»
Approach: «The box is actually sitting right behind me. They’re doing an upgrade and it should be back in service this winter.»
United 1234: «We can’t hold that long.»

………………………..
Pilot: «Has anyone else told you your communications are garbled?»
Ground: «My Wife!»

…………………………
A pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, then asked the navigator, «Do you know what I use this for?» The nav replied timidly, «No, what’s it for?» The pilot responded, «I use this on navigators who get me lost!» The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table. The pilot asked, «What’s that for?» «To be honest sir,» the nav replied, «I’ll know we’re lost before you will.»   …………………………

«Waiter, waiter, this coffee tastes like mud». «Well sir, it was ground only a few minutes ago»

«I want to buy some week-old chickens» «No sir, you dont want weak old chickens, you want strong young chickens

=======================

One fine hot summer’s afternoon saw a Cessna 150 flying in the pattern at a quiet country airfield. The Instructor was getting quite bothered with the student’s inability to maintain altitude in the thermals and was getting impatient at sometimes having to take over the controls. Just then he saw a twin engine Cessna 5,000ft above him and thought «Another 1,000 hrs of this and I qualify for that twin charter job! Aaahh… to be a real pilot… going somewhere!»

The Cessna 402 was already late and the boss told him this charter was for one of the Company’s premier clients. He’d already set MCT and the cylinders didn’t like it in the heat of this summer’s day. He was at 6,000ft and the winds were now a 20kt headwind. Today was the 6th day straight and he was pretty damn tired of fighting these engines. Maybe if he got 10,000ft out of them the wind might die off… geez, those cylinder temps! He looked out momentarily and saw a B737 leaving a contrail at 33,000ft in the serene blue sky. «Oh man» he thought, «My interview is next month. I hope I just don’t blow it! Out of general aviation, nice jet job, above the weather… no snotty passengers to wait for..  ahhh.»

The Boeing 737 bucked and weaved in the heavy CAT at FL330 and ATC advised that lower levels were not available due traffic. The Captain, who was only recently advised that his destination was below RVR minimums had slowed to LRC to try and hold off a possible inflight diversion, and arrange an ETA that would helpfully ensure the fog had lifted to CATII minima. The company negotiations broke down yesterday and looked as if everyone was going to take a damn pay cut. The F/O’s will be particularly hard hit as their pay wasn’t anything to speak of anyway. Finally deciding on a speed compromise between LRC and turbulence penetration, the Captain looked up and saw Concorde at Mach 2+. Tapping his F/O’s shoulder as the 737 took another bashing, he said «Now THAT’S what we should be on… huge pay … superfast… not too many routes… not too many legs… above the CAT… yep! What a life…!»

FL590 was not what he wanted anyway and considered FL570. Already the TAT was creeping up again and either they would have to descend or slow down. That damn rear fuel transfer pump was becoming unreliable and the F/E had said moments ago that the radiation meter was not reading numbers that he’d like to see. Concorde descended to FL570 but the radiation was still quite high even though the NOTAM indicated hunky dory below FL610. Fuel flow was up and the transfer pump was intermittent. Evening turned into night as they passed over the Atlantic. Looking up, the First Officer could see a tiny white dot moving against the backdrop of a myriad of stars. «Hey Captain» he called as he pointed. «Must be the Shuttle. » The Captain looked for a moment and agreed. Quietly he thought how a Shuttle mission, while complicated, must be the be all and end all in aviation. Above the crap, no radiation problems, no damn fuel transfer problems… aaah. Must be a great way to earn a buck.»

Discovery was into its 27th orbit and perigee was 200ft out from nominated rendezvous altitude with the commsat. The robot arm was virtually unusable and a walk may become necessary. The 200ft predicted error would necessitate a corrective burn and Discovery needed that fuel if a walk was to be required. Houston continually asked what the Commander wanted to do but the advice they proffered wasn’t much help. The Commander had already been 12 hours on station sorting out the problem and just wanted 10 minutes to himself to take a leak. Just then a mission specialist, who had tilted the telescope down to the surface for a minute or two, called the Commander to the scope. «Have a look at this Sir, isn’t this the kinda flying you said you wanted to do after you finish up with NASA?» The Commander peered through the telescope and cried «Ooooohhhhh yeah! Now THAT’S flying! Man, that’s what it’s all about! Geez I’d give my left nut just to be doing THAT down there!»What the Discovery Commander was looking at was a Cessna 150 in the pattern at a quiet country airfield on a nice bright sunny afternoon!!!  ===========================

High Flight

Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth
And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;
Sunward I’ve climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth
Of sun-split clouds — and done a hundred things
You have not dreamed of — wheeled and soared and swung
High in the sunlit silence. Hov’ring there,
I’ve chased the shouting wind along, and flung
My eager craft through footless halls of air.
Up, up the long, delirious burning blue,
I’ve topped the windswept heights with easy grace
Where never lark, or even eagle flew.
And, while with silent, lifting mind I’ve trod
The high untresspassed sanctity of space,
Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.
RCAF Flight-Lieutenant John Gillespie Magee Jr.(1922-1941).

Chopper Flight
Oh, I’ve slipped the surly bonds of earth
And hovered out of ground effect on semi-rigid blades;
Earthward I’ve auto’ed and met the rising brush of
Non-paved terrain;
And done a thousand things you would never care to
Skidded and dropped and flared low in the heat soaked roar.
Confined there, I’ve chased the earthbound traffic
And lost the race to insignificant Headwinds;
Forward and up a little in ground effect I’ve topped
the General’s hedge with drooping turns
Where never Skyhawk or even Phantom flew.
Shaking and pulling collective,
I’ve lumbered the low untresspassed halls of victor airways,
Put out my hand and touched a tree.

Glider Flight
Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of rope
A few feet from «The Road».
I whip the Schweitzer ’round so fast
Exceeds the max’mum load.
I’ve slipped, I’ve stalled, I’ve spiral dived,
Spun past the sixth full turn.
«You can’t do that!» the new ones say,
They’ve got a lot to learn.
I find a thermal, turn in it
To try and gain some height.
But I must beat the towplane down
Or this is my last flight!
On 2-3 fly a crooked base
Then crank the plane around.
Or 2-9: pass the hangers
Then I dive straight for the ground!
But the best is 3-6 final
when I know I should be higher,
Put out my hand and touch
the passing telephone wire!

Intruder Flight
Oh! I’ve slipped through the swirling clouds of dust,
a few feet from the dirt,
I’ve flown the ‘truder low enough
to make my bottom hurt.
I’ve rode the deserts, hills,
valleys and mountains too,
Frolicked in the trees,
where only flying squirrels flew.
Chased the frightened cows along,
disturbed the ram and ewe,
And done a hundred other things
that you’d not care to do.
I’ve smacked the tiny sparrow,
bluebird, robin, all the rest,
I’ve ingested baby eaglets,
simply sucked them from their nest!
I’ve streaked through total darkness,
just the other guy and me,
And spent the night in terror of
things I could not see.
I’ve turned my eyes to heaven,
as I sweated through the flight,
Put out my hand and touched
the master caution light.

High Flight (FAA Supplement)
Pilots must insure that all surly bonds have been slipped entirely before flight is attempted.
During periods of severe sky dancing, crew and passengers must keep seatbelts fastened.
Crew should wear shoulderbelts as provided.
Sunward climbs must not exceed the maximum permitted aircraft ceiling.
Passenger aircraft are prohibited from joining the tumbling mirth.
Pilots flying through sun-split clouds under VFR conditions must comply with all applicable minimum clearances.
Do not perform these hundred things in front of Federal Aviation Administration inspectors.
Wheeling, soaring, and swinging will not be attempted except in aircraft rated for such activities and within utility class weight limits.
Be advised that sunlit silence will occur only when a major engine malfunction has occurred.
«Hov’ring there» will constitute a highly reliable signal that a flight emergency is imminent.
Forecasts of shouting winds are available from the local FSS.
Encounters with unexpected shouting winds should be reported by pilots.
Pilots flinging eager craft through footless halls of air are reminded that they alone are responsible for maintaining separation from other eager craft.
Should any crewmember or passenger experience delirium while in the burning blue, submit an irregularity report upon flight termination.
Windswept heights will be topped by a minimum of 1,000 feet to maintain VFR minimum separations.
Aircraft engine ingestion of, or impact with, larks or eagles should be reported to the FAA and the appropriate aircraft maintenance facility.
Aircraft operating in the high untresspassed sanctity of space must remain in IFR flight regardless of meteorological conditions and visibility.
Pilots and passengers are reminded that opening doors or windows in order to touch the face of God may result in loss of cabin pressure.

==============================

Why I like airplanes:

Airplanes usually kill you quickly, a woman takes her time.
Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of the switch.
Airplanes don’t get mad if you do a «touch and go».
Airplanes don’t object to a preflight inspection.
Airplanes come with manual to explain their operation.
Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.
Airplanes can be flown at any time of the month.
Airplanes don’t come with in-laws.
Airplanes don’t care about how many airplanes you’ve flown before.
Airplanes and pilot both arrive at the same time.
Airplanes don’t mind if you look at other airplanes.
Airplanes don’t mind if you buy airplane magazines.
Airplanes expect to be tied down.
Airplanes don’t comment on your piloting skills.
However, they both have one thing in common-when either one of them gets quiet, it’s usually not good.

=======================

ATC to Flight 123: «Slow to 300 knots please.» After several moments, it was apparent the crew had not complied with the first speed reduction and was overtaking the inbound plane ahead of them. ATC to Flight 123: «Slow to 280 knots.» This was soon followed by a request for 250 knots from ATC when the crew still had not slowed the airplane. Finally, the now-frustrated controller ordered, «Gentlemen, the number is 250. Either slow to it or turn to it!»

============

It seems that it was a very busy day and a «good ol’ boy» American (Texas-sounding) AF C-130 reserve pilot was in the instrument pattern for landing at Rhein-Main. The conversation went something like this…
Tower: «AF1733, You’re on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots.»
AF1733: «Rog-O, Frankfurt. We’re bringin’ this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fur ya.»
Tower (a few minutes later): «AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now one-and-a-half miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots.»
AF1733: «AF thirty-three reinin’ this here bird back further to 110 knots»
Tower: «AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now one mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots»
AF1733 ( sounding a little miffed): «Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?!»
Tower (without the slightest hesitation): «No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you.»

============

Have you ever been on a plane and seen some uniformed pilots sitting in the passenger cabin? This is not at all uncommon, since most airlines at one time or another need pilots to cover a flight at an airport other than the one at which they’re based. When pilots ride this way as passengers, this is known in the industry as «deadheading.» In some cases, due to weather, mechanical problems, or crew flight-time legalities crews are called out at the very last moment to catch a deadheading flight. And so begins our story…
While taxiing out for takeoff, the Boeing 727 suddenly came to a stop. With the aircraft still on the taxiway, the flight attendant in the back began to lower the aft stairway. Behind the plane, a van with flashing lights came to a screeching halt and out jumped three deadheading pilots. They grabbed their bags and ran to the plane.
As they ran up the stairs, the pilot in front continued running up the aisle shouting, «I can’t believe the stewardess got the plane this far. I didn’t know she even knew how to start the engines!»
For a number of passengers it took quite some time before they realized they had been had by these jokers, you couldn’t believe the startled looks on their faces!

============

While taxiing out in sequence behind a Lufthansa airliner at Frankfurt, a C-130 crew noticed an orange «Remove before flight» streamer hanging out of the Lufthansa nose wheel well (their nose gear locking pin was still installed). Not wanting to cause too much embarrassment by going thru the controller, the 130 crew simply called the Lufthansa aircraft on the tower frequency: «Lufthansa aircraft, Herky 23.»
No reply.
They repeated the transmission and again there was no reply. Instead, the Lufthansa pilot called the tower and asked the tower to tell the Herky crew that «the professional pilots of Lufthansa do not engage in unprofessional conversations over the radio.»
The 130 pilot quickly replied, «Frankfurt tower, can you please relay to the professional pilots of the Lufthansa aircraft that their nose gear pin is still installed?»

============

During a particularly rough flight, the airliner pilot addresses his passengers: «The turbulence we passed through was rough, but we have passed that now. The rest of the flight is expected to be smooth.»
The pilot was unaware that his PA switch was stuck on, and leaned over to the co-pilot and said «Boy, was that rough! What I need now is a hot woman and a cold beer.»
A flight attendant in the rear of the aircraft heard this, and ran forward to warn the pilot. As she neared the cockpit, an elderly woman passenger stopped her saying «Don’t forget the beer!»

============

In an attempt to keep the passengers from standing or moving around before taxiing was completed, the purser of a SouthWest flight said over the PA: «Ladies and Gentlemen. Our pilots FLY much better than they DRIVE so please remain seated until the captain finishes taxiing and brings the aircraft to a complete stop at the terminal…»

============

On a particularly windy and bumpy day, during the final approach the Captain really had to fight the weather. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, «Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Anchorage, Alaska. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!»
After landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system to explain the arrival: «Sorry for the hard landing folks. It wasn’t the pilot’s fault, and it wasn’t the plane’s fault. It was the asphalt.»

============

An airline pilot hammered his ship into the runway really hard on a certain flight. The airline had a policy, which required the pilot to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a «Thanks for flying XYZ airline.» He said that in light of the bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, «Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?» «Why no M’am,» said the pilot, «what is it?» The little old lady said, «Did we land or were we shot down?» »

============

After a lengthy delay at the gate while waiting to depart, the Captain finally came on the PA system and announced: «I’m sorry for the delay, but the machine that smashes your baggage and removes the handles is broken, so the ground crew is having to do it all by hand today!»

============

During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write with in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about US $1 million. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth. The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

============

When Apollo astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous «one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind» statement but followed it by several remarks, usually com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark: «Good luck Mr. Gorsky.» Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the «Good luck Mr. Gorsky» statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. But, (on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor’s bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, «Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You’ll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!» Apparently a true story.

============

You’ve never been lost until you’ve been lost at Mach 3. — (Paul F. Crickmore — test pilot)  

The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.  

Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky. (From an old carrier sailor)  

If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it’s probably a helicopter — and, therefore, unsafe.  

When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.  

Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.  

What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?  If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies;  if ATC screws up, … the pilot dies.  

Never trade luck for skill.  

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: «Why is it doing that?», «Where are we?» and «Oh S…!»  

Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.  

Airspeed, altitude and brains — Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.  

A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.  

Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!  

Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.  

Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.  

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.  

Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.  

Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.  

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)  

A pilot who doesn’t have any fear probably isn’t flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)  

If you’re faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. Bob Hoover — renowned aerobatic and test pilot.  

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.  

There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over squadron OPS desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).  

If something hasn’t broken on your helicopter, it’s about to.  

Basic Flying Rules: Try to stay in the middle of the air.  Do not go near the edges of it.  The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.  It is much more difficult to fly there.  

You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.  

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, «What happened?» The pilot’s reply, «I don’t know, I just got here myself!» [Attributed to Ray Crandell Lockheed Test Pilot]